every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.