why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
