just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
