fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
