i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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