would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
