I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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