I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
