Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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