When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
