This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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