I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
