i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
