Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You work out of a Hotel?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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