His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
