You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
