I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
