i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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