I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
