woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
