yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
