Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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