I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
