What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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