i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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