So drunk its hurt
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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