I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
did i walk over a car last night?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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