Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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