my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize