you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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