quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
