you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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