I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
