Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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