took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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