this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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