did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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