3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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