Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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