Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
