You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my phone needs a breathalizer
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
