I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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