i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
