I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
