I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
the liver wants what the liver wants
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
