Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
