my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
