I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
