Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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