thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
honey bunches of taint.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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