Soap is not a condiment
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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