I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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