He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
