I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
